Tuna in the Can

monochromaticblack:

Signs that you ain’t real

• If you take more than 5 minutes to respond to a text message, you ain’t real
• If you only leave two sheets of toilet paper on the roll when you done, you ain’t real
• If you drink out the juice/milk carton and then put it back in the fridge, you ain’t real
• If you ain’t never undressed to Nelly’s “Hot in Hurr” on your way to the shower, you ain’t real
• If you pick out all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms box and leave the boring pieces for everyone else, you is not real and you selfish
• If you utilize urban dictionary more than Webster’s dictionary, you ain’t real
• If you ask me what I got you for your birthday when you ain’t got me nothing, you ain’t real
• If you’re not a fan of Lauryn Hill, you ain’t real
• If you’re not a fan of Boosie, you ain’t real. (just kidding)
• If you think Mc Donald’s fries are better than Burger King’s fries you ain’t real plus you ain’t got no tastebuds
• If you never owned a pair of Air Force Ones, Baby Phats, Phatfarms or Adidas shell tops in yo life, you ain’t real
• If you say “Cherry flavored” koolaid instead of calling it the red flavor, you ain’t real and you bougie.
• If you ain’t never had a three course meal from free the samples in Sam’s Club then you ain’t real and you think you too good.
• If you ain’t ever stolen a grape from the grocery store, you ain’t real either
• If you ain’t ever had to chase down the ice cream truck on a hot summer’s day, you is not real

1. between responding too soon and looking too eager or not responding at all and looking cold. gah texting is hard sometimes.

2. never happened. will probably never happen. sadly, my life lacks opportunities to unleash my inner stripper.

3. i use urban dictionary every day because i often wonder “what in the name of based god are most of these people talking about?”

4. after bills and having enough to eat, we rarely had name brand anything. to this day i don’t see the point. i’m spending a lot of money on something i don’t really need so others will think i’m cool and somebody i don’t know/will probably never meet can get rich.

5. the nearest sam’s club is too far away to justify this behavior. once you factor in the price of gas i’d be better off buying an actual three course meal.

6. my mama taught me stealing was wrong. even food.

7. i’d let the other kids run the ice cream truck down, then i’d walk over while everyone was in line. 

(via lionessnicki)